


Worth In Their Eyes (Coward's Lament)

by Mightybignein (Blueberryshortcake)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb's Plan, Canonical Character Death mentioned, Episode 41 Spoilers, Gen, Introspection, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 05:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16570262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberryshortcake/pseuds/Mightybignein
Summary: “Do you believe in fate?”It was like Caduceus had dug into the darkest corners of his mind and found the small silver strand of everything he feared.“Do what you have to do.”Because Beau and Fjord were trying to be better, and Jester and Nott weren’t killers, and Caduceus thought that they were moving towards good things.And Yasha had her own mission to bear.Which left him.





	Worth In Their Eyes (Coward's Lament)

**Author's Note:**

> All I do is character introspection to try to work through my own thoughts on things apparently. 
> 
> Warnings for Caleb being a ball of self-hatred with inclinations of suicide/death idealization.
> 
> Last line edited in after episode 42

That was a very strange conversation.

 

Caleb lay in his cot, the sound of the boat creaking loudly, the ocean constantly slapping against the organism that was the ship. He was dead tired, and felt like shit, and had no idea how to process any of that.

 

_“Do you believe in fate?”_

 

It was like Caduceus had dug into the darkest corners of his mind and found the small silver strand of everything he feared.

 

To be driven towards something greater than themselves… that would mean that it is all for nothing.

 

Of course the fact that he even was trying to do this was…

 

He would die a failure. He had known that for a very long time now.

 

And first Nott and now Caduceus saying things like this.

 

That he was important.

 

That any fate he had lead to something that wasn’t an unmarked, forgotten grave.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

Thought of Mollymauk Tealeaf.

 

Not for the first time. Mollymauk he thought of often. A man who live two years and was so alive. A man who saw his past as a separate entity… and perhaps was right to think so. Caleb quietly envied that. To be able to give the past no importance, but Mollymauk would have said it was never his past to begin with. That Lucien was not him and did not shape him. That his past was the grave and all that came after that moment.

 

He remembered Caduceus pushing his hand into the dirt of Mollymauk, a stranger’s grave. To make sure the earth would remember him.

 

He silently wondered if he would know Caduceus long enough for the cleric to do the same for him. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as unmarked as he assumed.

 

To change time, or fate, or whatever strings that shaped the world seemed impossible, but he had to believe it wasn’t. As unworthy as he was, he knew he was smart. It was the longest of long shots, but because it existed he had something to work towards. It was his smallest sliver of hope.

 

Because without that there was little point for a man like him to continue in this world. It would be better without him.

 

He was a coward.

 

He was a coward because he had to create an elaborate scenario where somehow he would change his past. Somehow he would save them. He couldn’t do the right thing and end himself. He has to continue to take up space in a world that didn’t need or want him.

 

Because he was a coward.

 

And yet Caduceus would say something like that. After Caleb had brought him to this place, surrounded by ocean and pirates and danger and death. That he would smile to him so _gently_ and say he believed Caleb would be shaped into something important.

 

It hurt his heart. Every scrap of power and magic he found for himself he hoarded towards a fool’s errand, but Mr. Clay would see him as someone that would … do something?

 

It uncomfortably reminded him of his childhood. When he was so full of himself as to believe he would be a great man one day. That he would make his Father and Mother proud. That he would be powerful and do good for the Empire.

 

Idiot.

 

Despite that though, he would try. He would do his best, he had to. He had to at least believe perhaps there was a way to make things right.

 

But deep down it was just another path to failure. One that he deserved.

 

He reached for the peraphet that wasn’t there anymore and instead touched the amulet around his neck. Wondered what would happen if he slipped it off his neck.

 

Coward.

 

Coward.

 

-

 

He nervously twisted wire in his hand as Fjord looked at him and pushed for promises.

 

To do what was necessary. It quietly chilled him. He had been told to do what was necessary before.

 

But this was for the group. To keep everyone safe. It was for everyone’s sake. It wasn’t to burn traitors. It was to watch a mad woman that threatened them all, but Fjord most of all.

  
She would try and kill him. No matter where she was right now there was only one ending of this story she would have. Zealot.

 

He had been one before after all, so he knew. He had worshiped something insidious, merciless. A faceless establishment that destroyed those that did not bend the knee. He was an executor. It was impossible to fathom how very strong and sure his loyalty had been back then, but it was mirrored before him.

 

He saw that in her. Loyalty to the Serpent, Uka’toa.  

 

Right now Fjord made her Empire stronger, but when it came to choose between her God and her fellow devotee there would be no hesitation. One of them would have to be sacrificed.

 

Caleb smelled smoke, and knew it was his own perfect memory haunting him.

 

Fjord had made it all very complimentary. His noticing, his shrewdness. Needing to do what needs to be done.

 

Caleb had to wonder how much of it was truth and how much was manipulations. Fjord was asking him, very clearly to watch Avantika and to kill her if need arose.

 

_“Do what you have to do.”_

 

Because Beau and Fjord were trying to be better, and Jester and Nott weren’t killers, and Caduceus thought that they were moving towards good things.

 

And Yasha had her own mission to bear.

 

Which left him.

 

Fjord thought Caleb could balance numbers. Balance blood on his hands.

 

He wasn’t wrong.

 

Law, chaos, good, evil. None of that were concerns anymore. He was a being living for his own self-centred ends.

 

Avantika was a threat to Fjord and to them all, and he cared for these people and he would protect them, and he would kill Avantika if need be.

 

He didn’t think Fjord was selfish for asking… it just… confused him. The tiny moments where Fjord’s true motives peaked out both calmed and disturbed him.

 

He liked Fjord. He stood with Fjord. He wasn’t entirely sure Fjord was the good man he presented the world.

 

But Caleb was a piece of shit, so he wasn’t about to complain about things like that.  

 

After that he tried to avoid much conversation with the others. Books and Cats. Those were good and solid topics. They didn’t make you think about tangled strings of fate that may or may not be realigned. Didn’t have anything to do with blood and what he was willing to do to keep them all together.

 

Why was he trying to keep them all together? It had been important. It was still important. There was safety in numbers. There was comfort in friends.

 

But he didn’t deserve that. He did not deserve them.

 

Once again, Caleb on the fool’s path. Following along a trail that would lead to failure.

 

But maybe he could guide them to greener fields. Maybe he could help them.

 

He felt torn apart. Everything was to go to them, his parents. The past. Every scrap of power was to change time and bend reality. Even the Mighty Nein. They were supposed to be a means to an end.

 

But now he was the means to their ends.

 

He hoped they would leave this particular adventure soon. Go somewhere dry, with books. A peaceful place where the war wouldn’t touch them.

  
But Fjord’s fate lay in the ocean.

 

Yasha’s in a storm.

 

Jester’s in Zadash’s underworld.

 

Nott’s in a village that hated her kind.

 

And Beau… Beau’s was the wind. Picking up pieces of herself to see what fit.

 

Mollymauk’s had ended in the dirt. Perhaps that’s where they were all headed. But that would be a relief, he didn’t deserve relief. He needed to toil and pretend there was an ending to his story.

 

Not an important one, not even a happy one. Just one that was right. One that was just. That’s all he wanted. Time be damned, fate be damned.

 

And then he cast Wall of Flame.


End file.
